I, Asia Carrera, take Don Lemmon to be my second and final husband, until the end of me.

I promise to be the best damn dream lover of a wife and the bestest friend you ever had, whether you need to work for minimum wage or make millions of dollars, whether you have a contagious disease or refuse to show signs of aging, even if you can’t screw or can only do so by using viagra, and also if you’re crippled or get a face lift that pulls your eyebrows up to your skull cap.

I promise to do most of the housework when you are working to earn the two of us a living, but I may also come up with my own creative schemes to make us lots of money (of course if any of my schemes work out to make us rich, then we will have to renegotiate the division of housework!)

I pledge to return 110% all the love, patience, understanding and kindness you show me for the rest of our lives, until we’re old and gray.

I promise to give you lots of nookie, at least once a day every day (in some form or another), unless one of us is not feeling well or has suffered severe friction burns from marathon sex without extra lube.

I promise to never go to bed mad at you, I promise to always listen without interrupting and to try to understand your points of view, to never to embarrass you in public, to be a full time parent to our children if you decide to honor me with them, and to spend every night in bed with you from this day forward.

I, Don Lemmon, being of relatively sound mind and spirit, take you, Asia Carrera, to be my final, favorite and bestest wife, from now until the end of me.

I promise to love you for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, whether we can screw or not, and even if you gain 200 pounds and do nothing but eat Twinkies and watch soap operas all day long, until death do us part.

I promise to let you do most of the housework when I am working to earn us a living, but I will help with heavy stuff like schlepping the vacuum cleaner upstairs, and boy chores like taking out the garbage and unclogging the toilet.

I pledge to return 110% all the love and kindness you show to me, and to administer daily doses of as many kisses as you can stand, plus penetration at least once a day, unless you’re not feeling up to it. I also promise not to engage in any marathon back-to-back sex sessions that may cause injury to Asia’s baby-making bits.

Anytime I deliberately attempt to tickle you anywhere, you get to kick me in the nuts. Oh, and I also promise not to drive in the Grandma lane on the freeway unless I’m (a) getting ON the freeway, (b) getting OFF the freeway, or (c) getting a BJ.

Relationshipwise, I promise to listen and try to understand your points of view, to accept blame and act contrite when I’m flat out busted, to never to embarrass you in public, to never have more than one drink around you except on special occasions, to never go to bed mad at you, and to sleep every night in the same bed with you.